Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
