there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize