this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
