There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
