Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
