I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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