Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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