I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
