apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
