Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
