My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
