Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
