Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
