i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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