i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Randomize
