I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just found puke in my bra..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
