Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
