wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
