Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
