My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
