Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
