i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Randomize
