There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
