So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
