Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
