i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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