you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
