he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
