Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
