I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
