i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
