i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
