Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
