As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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