I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
