He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
