Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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