You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize