Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
