apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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