Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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