We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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