I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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