i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
