He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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