Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
