You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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