then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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