Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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