you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
