I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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