Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
