I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize