this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
