If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
