I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
