it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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