I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
