Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We had sex on a dog bed..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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