do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
