Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize