Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
zippers are such a cool invention
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
