No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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