No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
